


Lavender

by dakgalbis



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Idols, Inspired by Real Events, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 05:11:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20091814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dakgalbis/pseuds/dakgalbis
Summary: “I’m tired of thinking,” Hyunjin replied, laughing along heartily.“Then stop thinking.” There was a mischievous tone in Seungmin’s voice, telling Hyunjin he was messing around.Hyunjin laughed some more. “Is that even possible?”Seungmin shook his head. “I wish it was. I want to stop thinking, too.”“What would it be like to not think, for once?” Hyunjin furrowed his brows, genuinely thinking about the question he just voiced out loud.or: Hyunjin and Seungmin try to figure out how to stop thinking.





	Lavender

**Author's Note:**

> This is set during the _I am You_ promotions, specifically around November 2018.
> 
> Disclaimers: I am not entirely familiar with the culture surrounding South Korea's college entrance exams, (I just read English-language news articles that pop up about it every so often) so I might have depicted parts of it inaccurately.

Hyunjin was in bed, with the room all to himself while he stared at the space between his face and the bunk above his. It was a miracle that management had given them time to even lie down in bed at all, and he should use the opportunity to sleep. He was tired, even more so than usual, but his mind was wide awake anyway, poring over the questions he could remember from the college entrance exams he finished just a few hours ago. They had gone to a radio schedule right after the exam, and while the couple of hours they spent there had been fun, the items from the exam he hadn't been able to answer continued to haunt him. And if he could remember correctly, there were a lot of those.

His train of thought took a bumpy turn and brought Hyunjin to Regret Land, where he started to wonder:  _ Would I have done better if I studied instead of taking that hour-long nap the other day? _ A voice inside himself gave him a firm no in response, but he went on to berate himself anyway. 

He opened his mouth to let out a loud groan, only for the sound to get caught in his throat when the door to the room he shared with Jisung and Seungmin suddenly swung open.

"Oh."

Hyunjin didn't need to raise his head from his pillow to see who it was, but he did so anyway. He found Seungmin standing by the doorway, still in his school uniform. Seungmin closed the door behind him and walked in the direction of Hyunjin's bed.

"Where have you been?" Hyunjin asked, blinking. He had headed straight to their room when they got back from their radio schedule, refusing an invite from Jisung for midnight snacks in the kitchen. 

"Just had a bite with Jisung and Yongbok," Seungmin answered, now standing beside Hyunjin's bed. His eyes were on his phone screen.

"Ah." Hyunjin really didn't know what to say to that, so he turned his eyes towards the space in front of him again. He figured Seungmin was going to leave the room soon to change and wash up before heading to bed.

"May I...?" Seungmin suddenly asked after what seemed to Hyunjin was just a few seconds later.

Hyunjin turned his gaze towards where he last saw Seungmin standing. He was still there, with his gaze directed towards Hyunjin instead of his phone screen. Seungmin looked tired, his eyes only seemed half-open, and the edges of his mouth curled slightly downwards, but that wasn't a surprise. He had taken the entrance exams that day, too; he had gone through the same schedules as Hyunjin did before and afterwards. Even Seungmin probably didn’t find it easy.

"May you what...?" Hyunjin asked, frowning in confusion.

Seungmin didn't say anything, but he pointed at the space between Hyunjin and the outer edge of the bed.

Hyunjin's eyes widened in surprise, while he felt a blush creep up his cheeks. "Here...?" he asked, as bewildered as he was earlier during the duration of the exam.

"I want to lie down a bit before I change and wash up," Seungmin answered flatly.

"Here...?" Hyunjin asked, unsure why Seungmin couldn't lie down on his own bed for that purpose. It wasn't like Hyunjin minded Seungmin's weird request, though. He actually would very much like to grant it, though he wasn't sure if Seungmin knew how much he'd like that, or if he wanted to disclose to Seungmin that piece of information.

Seungmin pressed his lips together before answering. "You know I find it disgusting to lie down in my bed wearing clothes from outside."

Hyunjin frowned. "But on my bed it's fine?" 

"You obviously don't mind it like I do," Seungmin looked at him pointedly. He wasn't wrong. Hyunjin was still wearing the clothes he wore on their radio schedule. Realizing his defeat, Hyunjin couldn't help but let out a soft laugh.

"Fine." He then shifted to make room for another person on the narrow, single bed.

Without a further word, Seungmin laid himself down beside Hyunjin. The only sound he made was a soft sigh that came out as soon as his back landed on the mattress. Hyunjin could barely hear it above the low hum of the heater, but the sound drew his eyes towards Seungmin's barely parted lips anyway. As soon as he realized that, Hyunjin tore his gaze away and forced himself to admire the bottom of the mattress on the bunk above his.

Seungmin only continued to remain quiet. Hyunjin allowed himself to carefully steal a glance a few seconds later, just to see if Seungmin had fallen asleep. He didn't want Seungmin to know he was looking at him, but then he realized that was impossible. The bed was small, and with both of them lying down flat on their backs, there was no space to spare to place between the two of them. They were pressed closely together, shoulder to shoulder, like sardines in a can. Throwing away, all pretenses of subtlety, Hyunjin turned to lie down on his side, so he could look at Seungmin properly.

To his surprise, Seungmin's eyes were shut close.

“Are you sleeping?" Hyunjin asked softly, hoping that if indeed Seungmin had fallen asleep, he wouldn’t wake him up.

Seungmin shook his head. "I shouldn't. I'll get up in a bit, I promise."

It was Hyunjin's turn to shake his head. "No, it's fine. I was just messing with you earlier," he chuckled nervously, then paused before he let out the next sentence his mind offered up for him to say out loud. "You can stay here for as long as you like."

Hyunjin saw Seungmin blink several times-- the closest thing to a response Hyunjin could discern. The lack of a response made his heart sink. He meant what he said but he was hoping to see how Seungmin would find the offer.

Sighing, Hyunjin decided to keep talking, to prevent the air from turning awkward.

"How do you think did you do on the exam?" he asked, only then realizing they haven't had time to talk about it until now.

"Terribly," Seungmin answered, shaking his head. "Never felt dumber in my entire life."

"If you did terribly, then I'm probably a goner," Hyunjin groaned softly. Seungmin was a good student, and he was decidedly smart. He remembered things well, and was sharp enough to win in most arguments Hyunjin had seen him in. 

"I can't imagine you doing any worse than I did." Seungmin turned his head slightly towards Hyunjin's direction, with a slight frown on his face.

Hyunjin shook his head. "There were probably only one or two questions I was 100% confident about. In the entire exam.” It wasn’t a short one, it took the entire day.

He waited for what Seungmin would say to that, but instead, the other turned in bed to lie down on his side. Seungmin now faced Hyunjin, though his eyes remained closed. Hyunjin found himself forgetting what he had just said, with his friend’s face just a few centimeters away from his own. 

“You’ll be fine,” Seungmin spoke in a soft, reassuring voice after what had seemed like an eternity.

Hyunjin left out a pained chuckle. “How do you know?” He had worried about the exam a lot, and a lot of his non-celebrity friends had told him that he was being funny. Hyunjin didn’t even need to take the exams: he was an idol, and was unlikely to need a university degree to earn a living. Still, Hyunjin chose to take the exams anyway because he didn’t want to become overconfident in his future as an idol. Even after they had debuted, a lot could still go wrong. His parents thought the same, that was why Hyunjin believed it was important that he passed and got accepted into a university. Management thought a couple of members being seen taking the college entrance exams made for good, harmless publicity, too.

He waited for Seungmin’s answer, wondering if Seungmin would say the same thing his friends did, because Hyunjin knew he wasn’t going to be completely  _ fine _ if he didn’t pass.

Seungmin’s shoulders rose in a light shrug. “You did well on the mock exams we answered together.”

Having been unable to attend cram schools, much less actual classes at all, Seungmin and Hyunjin were given copies of mock questions for the college entrance exams. During the past couple of months, the two of them would work on these whenever and wherever they had free time and outside the view of fans and cameras-- in waiting rooms of broadcast stations, in the car between schedules, and in the dorm late at night. Sometimes they tackled and discussed the questions together, sometimes they worked individually and compared their answers afterwards. Hyunjin knew those sessions they had together helped a lot. In particular, Seungmin helped him a lot understanding the questions he got wrong. 

“I messed even those up, come on,” Hyunjin answered, sighing once more.

Seungmin briefly pressed his lips together before answering him. “But you seemed to understand why you answered some questions wrong initially. I’d say you still did well on those.”

Hyunjin didn’t want to give the wrong impression that their study sessions didn’t help at all, so he nodded his head vigorously. “Of course! You have a point. I couldn’t have done that badly with all we did…”

“Yeah, that’s what I think,” Seungmin answered, shifting his weight a little. Hyunjin noticed a hint of uncertainty in Seungmin’s usually calm and confident tone. He felt his heart sink; Seungmin was probably saying these things just to help him feel better as he always would do whenever Hyunjin was feeling unsure of himself, but he didn’t genuinely believe in them. 

That, or Hyunjin realized, Seungmin was worried for himself, too. Hyunjin felt silly. He had been rambling about his own worries without even considering that his own friend, right beside him, was also in dire need of the slightest bit of reassurance, just like himself.

“Are you worried, too, Seungminnie?” Hyunjin asked, after taking in a deep breath.

Seungmin first replied with a pregnant pause, making Hyunjin assume he had fallen asleep. When he finally spoke after an entire two seconds later, it took Hyunjin considerable effort not to clutch at his chest in surprise.

“Yeah. A lot,” he answered, the hint of uncertainty from before showing more clearly now.

“If you said I’ll be fine, then I’m sure you will be even more so,” Hyunjin told him, attempting to return the favor Seungmin had given him earlier.

He saw the edges of Seungmin’s lips curl up. “Hah, maybe you’re right,” he chuckled softly.

Hyunjin couldn’t help but chuckle along as well. He was relieved to see Seungmin smile finally, for the first time since he entered the room, and he felt something inside him warm up at the possibility that he had something to do with that smile. 

“We’ll be fine,” Seungmin said, this time sounding like his calm, and confident self.

“Everyone says we didn’t even have to take this exam.” Hyunjin spoke, shaking his head slightly.

“Do you regret taking it?” Seungmin asked. He had opened his eyes and was looking at Hyunjin inquisitively.

Hyunjin pressed his lips together, then shook his head. “I don’t want to regret not taking it.”

A soft smile formed on Seungmin’s features. “Same.”

“I just wish I can stop thinking about it already,” Hyunjin answered with a playful groan. 

Seungmin let out a sigh. “I know. It’s hard, though, no?” He blinked several times before continuing. “Most of our lives were dedicated to doing well on this exam-- until just a couple or so years ago, maybe? It’s hard to just shake off all the anxiety around it. I just… can’t, too.” 

Hyunjin, until then, had been frustrated about why he was so worried, when almost everyone around him had told him that he didn’t need to. He was an idol, and while that future was uncertain, it was a future he didn’t need a degree for. Someone had even pointed out to him that regular kids who would go to university would still have a future wrought with the same kind of uncertainty, just of a different kind. However, Seungmin had just spelled it out for him. They had grown up with the exam’s dire importance in their lives ingrained in them. Worrying about this exam was a hard habit to break.

“Right.” The left side of his body was starting to feel numb for being pressed against the mattress for a while already, and he was itching to turn around, but he didn’t want to turn away from Seungmin. “I think that’s exactly why I can’t stop worrying about it.” 

Seungmin nodded. “This sucks,” he laughed.

Hyunjin found it difficult to believe Seungmin was worried. He knew Seungmin to be confident and pragmatic, which was why Hyunjin admired him a lot. He took things he could do something about seriously and worked on them, but he was good at letting go of things he had no control of. The exam, now that it was over, was one of those, and he had imagined Seungmin would let it go easily as he usually did. That somehow made Hyunjin feel better. It wasn’t good that Seungmin was worried, but it was comforting to know for Hyunjin that he wasn’t alone in what he was feeling.

“I’m tired of thinking,” Hyunjin replied, laughing along heartily.

“Then stop thinking.” There was a mischievous tone in Seungmin’s voice, telling Hyunjin he was messing around.

Hyunjin laughed some more. “Is that even possible?” 

Seungmin shook his head. “I wish it was. I want to stop thinking, too.”

“What would it be like to not think, for once?” Hyunjin furrowed his brows, genuinely thinking about the question he just voiced out loud.

“Let’s ask Jisung,” Seungmin answered with a barely visible smirk on his lips.

“Yah!” Hyunjin was laughing loudly now. “You know Jisung is a very thoughtful person!”

“There are times when it seems he forgoes thinking altogether,” Seungmin pointed out, chuckling and grinning at the same time. 

“Well… you’re not wrong,” Hyunjin conceded finally. He then found himself unsure of what to say next. They had started talking about the entrance exams, and how worried they were about it, but now, Hyunjin felt completely different, almost as if an entire decade had passed since he had taken the damn exam. He thought he had Seungmin to thank for that. Being able to talk to someone who went through the same experience under almost the exact same circumstances and shared almost the exact same feelings helped him a lot. It didn’t hurt that Seungmin had him cracking up afterwards. Hyunjin couldn’t even begin to figure out how grateful he was that Seungmin came to the room and laid down beside him just because he didn’t want to dirty his own bed.

“Hey, Seungmin, thank you,” Hyunjin spoke, breaking the comfortable silence that had just started to settle about them.

Seungmin blinked at him. “For what?”

“Helping me feel better tonight, like you always do,” Hyunjin answered softly.

“You helped me, too,” Seungmin answered with a soft hum, his lips pressed together into a small smile and his eyes fluttering close. He seemed close to falling asleep. “Like you always do.”

“Me?” Hyunjin pointed to himself, feeling genuinely surprised. The only thing that came to mind where he helped Seungmin was, maybe with choreography, or with helping him hold things when his hands were full-- There were a lot of instances, but surely nothing like how Seungmin just single-handedly made him feel better. “I help you?” 

Seungmin’s eyes flew open. “Did I say anything weird?”

Hyunjin couldn’t help but frown lightly. “You said I always help you…?”

“Oh… of course.” Seungmin’s gaze went to the printed geometric pattern on the bed sheet covering the mattress they were lying on. “Of course, you do.”

“How?”

Seungmin took a deep breath and gave Hyunjin a long, uneasy stare, as if he was weighing words in his head. “You… you just do-- I thought we’re supposed to stop thinking. We’ve been thinking all day because of the exam.”

Hyunjin laughed softly. Perhaps, he could pry the answer from Seungmin some other time. He didn’t want to insist and nag at him for it tonight, when Seungmin didn’t seem to want to talk about it. It was a little disappointing to know, though, that the answer was something Seungmin needed to  _ think _ about, not something he could talk about from just the top of his head. Hyunjin could talk about the ways Seungmin helped him easily, but the same didn’t seem to be true for Seungmin. Sighing, he shifted his weight in bed again. “Okay, let’s stop thinking now,” he said firmly, with a small chuckle escaping right before he finished his sentence.

“How?” Seungmin asked him with a challenging tone.

Hyunjin laughed then gave Seungmin’s question some thought. He knew Seungmin was being playful, and Hyunjin would like to go along. “Answer this question without thinking: What do you want to do now?”

“Sleep,” Seungmin answered swiftly and firmly. “But I keep thinking about how gross it is to sleep with make-up still on and in my uniform. You?”

Hyunjin laughed. The answer was typical Seungmin and he thought it was funny and endearing how Seungmin was so concerned about cleanliness despite the kind of day they had just been through. “Doing it just once won’t kill you, Seungminnie.”

Seungmin only scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You answer the question, too.”

Hyunjin found himself blinking and staring at Seungmin, unable to form a coherent answer under a second. What did he want to do? He wasn’t sure, he didn’t want to sleep even if he knew he should. It was so rare for him to feel so peaceful and calm while he was awake that he didn’t want to sleep it off just yet. He wasn’t hungry, and there was nowhere he wanted to go to at that moment. If anything, he was right where he wanted to be the most.

“You’re thinking,” Seungmin spoke in a playfully accusatory tone. It passed over Hyunjin’s head, though, and he found himself staring at Seungmin’s lips, at how they moved while he spoke, at how close they were to his own, and at how the light from the fluorescent lamp that hung from the ceiling reflected against them. Hyunjin then knew what he wanted to do.

“Hwang Hyun-”

It wasn’t the first time Hyunjin wanted to kiss Seungmin. If anything, he had thought about it a lot of times, on late nights when all the other members were out or asleep in their rooms and they would be huddled over one particularly difficult mock exam question. They would both be seated on the couch, with Seungmin curled up and the copy of the mock exam on his lap. Hyunjin would be leaning in close to re-read the question along with him, or at least pretend to, for his attention was on the frown on Seungmin’s features, and how it pulled the edges of his lips downwards.

_ Cute _ , Hyunjin would think, then he would think about how physically close they were, and how much closer he’d like them to be, until Seungmin would prod him for his thoughts on the exam question that was supposedly bothering them.

A few times, Hyunjin came close to just going for it, to lean in and press his lips against Seungmin’s. He couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out the answers to the mock exam, but if he just went for it, he could figure out the answers to other questions that had been dwelling in his mind for a while now: of what it would be like to kiss Seungmin, and how he’d take to it.

The latter question, in particular, bothered him. Everytime Hyunjin showed Seungmin the slightest bit of physical affection, like when he would casually wrap around an arm around Seungmin when they sat or stood together, or when he would give Seungmin a hug when he was feeling excited or particularly fond, Seungmin would flinch or turn away. Hyunjin noticed he was like this to everyone: to Felix, Changbin, among others, whenever they got physically  _ too  _ close, which planted in Hyunjin’s mind the seed of a particularly saddening thought: Hyunjin wasn’t any special or different to Seungmin the same way he was to Hyunjin. So whenever Hyunjin thought of kissing Seungmin, he shut the thought down,  _ thinking _ that Seungmin would likely push him away and get upset, and of how it could possibly mar the friendship they shared.

So if there was anything Hyunjin wanted to do if he could forgo thinking, it would be to kiss Seungmin.

Hyunjin leaned in swiftly, reaching out to place a hand behind Seungmin’s head to get him close enough as soon as possible, before his age-old thoughts on the matter could catch up and pull him back. And as soon as Hyunjin felt Seungmin’s lips pressed against his, they vanished into thin air, almost as if they never existed in the first place. 

Seungmin, however, inched back.

That was more than enough to get Hyunjin’s brain to work the way it usually did. Hyunjin darted his head back in an instant. He could feel heat shoot up his cheeks in embarrassment.  _ Fuck, what did I just do? _

“I’m, I’m sorry,” he sputtered out an apology. “I shouldn’t have…” Only after that did he manage to take a good look at Seungmin’s face. He was expecting Seungmin to be fuming, teeth gritted in anger and getting ready to bolt out of bed. Hyunjin wanted to hit himself in the head, or wherever it would hurt enough for him to feel the slightest bit less regretful of what he did.

He was surprised, though, to find Seungmin only blinking at him in bewilderment, and most importantly, still there, without any hint of him leaving soon. Hyunjin guessed, that perhaps, Seungmin was  _ so _ shocked he couldn’t move.

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin apologized again. He hoped Seungmin would say something. Anything. The surprised stare didn’t tell him much. It made him hopeful, and he didn’t want to be hopeful just to be disappointed.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin, to Hyunjin’s surprise, apologized.

Hyunjin couldn’t figure out what that meant. Perhaps, Seungmin was apologizing because he couldn’t let Hyunjin kiss him. He tried consoling himself thinking that, to be fair, that was a much nicer reaction than he expected. 

“No, no, you don’t have to apologize-”

Seungmin cut him off, despite his voice barely being above a whisper. “I didn’t mean to… I was just surprised.”

That didn’t make sense to Hyunjin. “What?”

The only answer Hyunjin got was an exasperated sigh, then the next thing he knew, Seungmin’s fingers were running through his hair to reach the back of his head to pull Hyunjin close, and their lips were slowly and surely moving against each other before Hyunjin could even blink in surprise.

And then for once, Hyunjin knew what it was like not to think.

He had always imagined it would be close to being dead, and he would just be lying down or standing still, with his mind completely blank. He couldn’t imagine doing anything without giving it the slightest bit of thought beforehand. Whenever he spoke, he always tried to think of how the person who would hear it would feel about what he would say, or how it would affect their impression of him. When he ate, he always considered whether it would make his face swell the next day. Even when he danced, he thought of how smoothly his moves were connecting with each other and how it would look on camera. 

This was, in no way, Hyunjin's first kiss, but it was the first time that his thoughts vanished into thin air as soon as their lips met. As if all of a sudden, his mind was filled with the sound of his own heart beating loudly inside his chest, and the sweet and salty taste of Seungmin's lips that he couldn't imagine ever getting enough of. There were also whiffs of the lavender-scented shampoo Hyunjin knew Seungmin liked so much, and the sudden need to wrap his arms tightly around Seungmin’s frame to make sure he wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon. For the first time in a long while, Hyunjin moved and acted according to how he felt, and not what was bothering him.

If this was what not thinking was like, then it was very, very far from what he had imagined it to be, and Hyunjin found himself wholly embracing the experience.

\---

It was hard to tell how much time had passed by the time Seungmin started to slowly pull away, his eyes only half-open, cheeks flushed, lips parted slightly, and seemingly a little out of breath. Hyunjin could hear his own heartbeat start to slow down while the gears in his head restarted. He started to wonder about what had just happened, and what that meant for the two of them, or if Seungmin regretted any of it. Hyunjin hoped not, because he certainly didn't. He worried about what to say, too, or if he should let Seungmin say something first. 

Seungmin continued to remain quiet. Hyunjin realized he still had an arm around Seungmin's frame. He pondered over whether he should pill it back, then decided not to when Seungmin closed his eyes, with seemingly no plans to move away from Hyunjin just yet. 

"Seungmin?" Hyunjin whispered, wondering if Seungmin had fallen asleep. Hyunjin was also starting to feel his exhaustion from earlier creep back up. Still, he hoped Seungmin was still awake and would say something.

"Hm?"

"Uhm…"

"What?" 

Hyunjin tried to decide what words he needed to put together to voice out the questions in his head, while he tried to fight down the thought that frantically told him his questions shouldn't be made to wait. Before he could even sputter out a single word, however, Seungmin spoke again.

"I know I should be getting up soon." His voice was soft and apologetic, with a hint of tenderness that Hyunjin rarely ever heard. “But can I stay here for just a little bit longer?”

Hyunjin couldn’t help but smile fondly at him. "I already told you, you can stay here for as long as you like."

For a while, Seungmin didn't say anything to that, which brought Hyunjin a bit of frustration. There was a lot he wanted to hear from Seungmin, but he also knew better than to prod. They were both tired, and it wasn't like they wouldn't find time within the foreseeable future to talk properly. Still, he couldn't stop the questions from swimming in his head. 

"Thank you," Seungmin suddenly spoke, putting Hyunjin's train of thought to a halt. 

There was something about hearing Seungmin thank him for once, when it was usually the other way around, that warmed Hyunjin’s insides. It was nice to know he could do something for Seungmin for once, though he wasn’t even sure what it was he did that merited the show of gratitude. If anything, he thought, he should be thanking Seungmin tonight, for making him feel better after Hyunjin had just concluded he had failed the entrance exams. He opened his mouth to protest, but then he looked at Seungmin, and saw how peaceful he looked. Hyunjin decided now was not the time to argue with his best friend about who should be thanking who.

"You're not washing up anymore?" Hyunjin then decided to tease a little instead..

"Shut up, I'm trying not to think about it," Seungmin answered, huffing as he curled up in Hyunjin’s arms.

“Are we still trying not to think…?” Hyunjin asked, chuckling softly.

Seungmin let out a hum and moved his head in a barely perceptible nod in response. 

“Okay.” 

With that, Hyunjin decided that maybe he could save protesting to being thanked for later, and resolved to shelve the questions in his head.  _ Tonight we don’t think _ , he told himself. It was no longer as daunting a task as it used to be, or at least it wasn’t as long as he had Seungmin with him. Hyunjin then rested his chin atop Seungmin’s head and closed his eyes, and soon fell into a long, peaceful sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> \- Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, if not more.  
\- [cc](https://curiouscat.me/daengmin)


End file.
